Pain is the portal to your deepest healing

It’s easy to love ourselves when everything is going “right”. But what about when everything feels like it is going “wrong”?

Let me catch you up to speed…

I started a business 2 years ago. I went all in on it one year ago. I had my best month to date 3 months ago.

At that time, my Self-love Club for Entrepreneurs was at capacity and thriving. We were meeting virtually every week and twice a month for special in-person gatherings. Everything was exactly how I had always hoped it would be. I was sincerely grateful and soaking in all the ways I had grown my business.

I started teaching 2 more weekly yoga classes that kicked off with a bang.

I had an energetically invested community and I was over the moon about it.

And to boot, I had also sold out my first seaside retreat in 48 hours.

I was on top of the world.

And within just a few short weeks, I was plagued with the most excruciating nerve pain that completely stopped me in my tracks.

I woke up in pain, went to bed in pain and struggled to walk upright. I spent 2 months jumping from doctor to doctor, trying different medications, an epidural shot and a failed attempt at PT, all to find out that I had a severe herniated disc that was pressing on my sciatic nerve.

It was a really high high followed by a severely low low. Everyday I would ask “why is this happening to me?”

I felt so defeated. Simple tasks were a struggle. I lost interest in doing the things I loved. I couldn’t play with my 5 yr old or enjoy summer activities with her as I’d hoped we would. I was breathing, but I wasn’t living.

I started to spiral. Why didn’t I take better care of myself? What could I have done differently? I should’ve never left my “safe” career. How am I going to keep my business running?

I wasn’t just in physical pain. My darkest emotional wounds started to surface as well. Am I unlovable? I knew the other shoe had to drop at some point. I don’t deserve to be happy. Yea, it was ugly.

Luckily, my incredible support system of family, friends, and even clients were by my side each day. People were showing up for me left and right, reminding me that I wasn’t alone, but deep down there is a wound that told me I am alone and I will always be alone.

That’s the thing about our emotional wounds- they come up whether you like it or not.

I teach others how to love themselves and be their own best friend, to speak kindly to themselves, enjoy their own company and trust themselves. I have built a living on doing just that. But when it came to loving myself in my darkest hour? I just couldn’t get there.

Truth is, I have all the healing tools and add new modalities to my toolkit often. I meditate, I journal, I do somatic and shadow work. I do the things!!

And it wasn’t until I was gifted a book called Mind Your Body that things started to shift.

I gave it a shot and learned that the author, Nicole Sachs, created a protocol called Journal Speak that is designed to help you release stored emotions that negatively impact your body and cause you pain and anxiety. And although Nicole’s book wasn’t the thing that actually “fixed” me, it was a step in the right direction. I was carrying some pretty heavy stuff around my Dad’s death and my relationship with my mother.

In just two 20 minute journal sessions, I was able to release years worth of stored trauma from my body and make some peace with what I had experienced in my life.

I realized that I had to show love to the wounded parts of myself just as much as I would the “successful” parts. I had to make space for the ugly- not an easy thing to do.

And I am still on that journey. I have no plans of stopping. In fact, I decided to do my own 30-day meditation and journaling challenge and I might even create one for my community based on what comes of my personal challenge!

So to close out this story and give you a mostly happy ending, I ended up having a discectomy- a surgical procedure in which the damaged portion of a spinal disc pressing on a nerve is removed to relieve pain, numbness, or weakness.

This surgery was a miracle and saved my life on many levels. 2 weeks out and I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. I am still healing emotionally and tending to my inner child.

This whole experience forced me to slow down and be with all my feelings- not just the positive ones. I still have a long way to go with that. And I know that despite how hard it may be in the moment, facing the pain will heal me more than ignoring ever will.

So if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate you being here. I hope you make some space for all your parts to be who they are and to receive the same love as your more desirable ones.

Xoxo,
Ashley